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Why do I do things that make me miserable? Why do I so often find misery… Comforting?


Welcome to my new blog… The Hog Chronicles. What’s this blog about? Whatever the fuck I want. This is where I’m going to write, be raw, vent, think out loud, and share my thoughts with you. There’s no schedule, I’ll write when I’m compelled. There’s no specific mission or set of topics here… This is just me thinking and talking about my experiences in life. The purpose? Maybe somewhere in the fuckery that will be this blog, something will speak to or resonate with someone. This is where I’ll write to grow, to think, and I invite you to join me!! I want this to be raw, no edits, rereading or rewriting… Reader discretion is obviously and absolutely fucking advised :))


So!! Punching myself in the dick. First question: Why do we do things that make us miserable? Fuck science, I don’t science. I simply analyze myself and what I see around me. Why do we do things that make us miserable? The answer is simple I think… We are stupid… And lazy. Stupid and lazy WOO!! One thing I did a long time ago was I stopped giving the human species more credit than it deserves. Sure, we have highly evolved brains but compared to what? A bird? That don’t mean much. We’re animals that base a lot of what we do on impulse, pleasure, gratification… Shit like that. We do things that make us miserable because they bring us pleasure in the short term annnd it is reeeally fucking hard to consider long term shit.


Take errr a relationship… I’m like a Viking, I like shiny things. In this reference, shiny things are tits. I have always struggled with being faithful. I’ve rationalized it several different ways. “Oh I don’t believe in monogamy.” “#YOLO”… Shit like that. But rationalizations are never true. They’re just lies we tell ourselves so we don’t feel like assholes WHILE we’re being assholes. It’s difficult to consider the long term fulfillment and happiness of a relationship when I’m being eye fucked by a nice big set of tits. In the past, I chose to chase the shiny things. I’ve lied and cheated, broken hearts… To include my own. I have made myself miserable by my behavior and only recently have I said, “Ok fuckboy… Fucking stop!!” I want long term happiness, love, a family. Chasing every pair of tits that looks me in the cock isn’t going to make me happy… In the end. Ahh the end. That’s the point to this whole mess… The end. What do we truly want in the end? Oy!! If you want to chase shiny things your whole life, go for it… But I highly doubt that’s what anybody TRULY wants. We have to SOMEHOW remember the end. It’s not easy, it takes awareness, fortitude, and practice. Behavioral change is a mother fucker…


I transgress in other ways. Here’s a secret… I fucking hate that I’m addicted to chewing tobacco. I’ve been chewing tobacco since I was 18. That’s 12 years now. At this point it’s as much a part of my identity as errr my left nut being bigger than my right. With tobacco use there’s always that storm on the horizon… Hurricane Cancer. I know chewing tobacco is horrible for my health. I know it every time I pack a delicious hammer. Not only does it make me feel like a man, it reminds me of my soldiering days. Those are my rationalizations, “Fuckin’ men chew tobacco **Pounds chest**” Another lie I’ve convinced myself of so that I can continue doing things that ultimately make me hate myself.


We do things that make us miserable and the lack of control makes us even more miserable. After a certain point… Misery is like a warm blanket or mouth wrapped around our mental cocks. It’s… Comforting. Staying the same is easy. Changing is hard. We are stupid and lazy. I guess that’s why someone said, “Nothing worth having comes easy.” I believe that applies to fucking happiness in general. Happiness is a lifelong pursuit. We can go where the wind takes us and be all the more miserable for it, sitting around incessantly punching ourselves in the dicks OR… We can work hard. Work hard on ourselves.


I have my list of vices and I’m going to work on them. My dick can’t take many more punches. I’m too old, it’s all bruised up. Time for some healing… haha oops random Derek moment here #LessPunchingMoreStroking … Where was I… I have my vices and I’m absolutely certain you have yours. Maybe you drink too much, are unfaithful, do drugs, over eat, eat shit, don’t exercise, waste money, don’t work… Whatever. You’re more than likely STUCK somewhere about something. It’s common to hear, “People can’t change.” That’s not true. We CAN change it’s just really fucking challenging… But we’ll be all the more happier in the end. I think if there’s key words or ideas here it’s “Happiness in the end…”


While walking down my path of life, I have to stop pulling off to the side of the road to fuck with the shiny things for a bit. Just keep my eyes looking and feet moving forward. Change.


  1. I just wanna add this. We all have things that we struggle with. Mine being choosing which road to go, I have 2 kids I am forever responsible for. That big picture is a scary fucking picture. Am I teaching them right? Am I being too harsh? They have set my compass in life to bigger and better things. I have found my true north. I love their father but I too, get bored. I like to seek adventure, randomness, laugh at the unusual things. Sometimes you gotta take life as it comes and let it roller coaster you around cause at the end of the ride you’ll be on the ride again. Best of luck to you derek, and please by all means don’t punch yourself in the dick. Your dick is our version of shiny! Much love and best of luck in all you do!
    Rockford, Illinois
    Hope Wyatt

  2. I really wish I knew why we do things to make us miserable. I am in the midst of doing something just like that and for the life of me can’t figure out why?!? It’s mind boggling how frustrated I feel and not being able to stop myself from doing it. Ah someday maybe I can control the “stupid” impulses.

  3. Thank you for you openness and candid writing. The readers of the world appreciate your willingness to let us inside the thoughts of D.W.
    You are indeed inspiring and igniting others to identify our own struggles and yet remember the very simple goal; HAPPINESS. ??

  4. Thank you for being so candid Derek. The problem these days and especially with social media is we all like to put up a front and. Or let people in to see the realness. I hope this is a great outlet for you. There’s a bunch of us that follow you and feel like your just telling our story at least that is it for me. Keep it up!!! I dig it.


  5. Love how raw this is. It is very hard to be faithful I know for sure and I am so chick. Anybody that’s says it’s always the man that cheats is so wrong. I love men. Congrats on the blog.

  6. I feel you brother. I stopped dipping Cope before it became a huge problem. Instead, I constantly punch myself in the dick over eating like shit. I’m a fucking deputy sheriff, and someone’s life could depend on me being in shape one day. Yet I continue to eat fried meal after fried meal; candy bar after candy bar; and my personal favorite, nutty buddy ice cream cones. I’m not out of shape by any means yet because I’m still pretty young, but I know I’m laying the foundation for a shitty future. My storm on the horizon is Hurricane Obesity. I know I need to stop, and I constantly beat myself in the dick over it; I need to get my shit straight. But it feels so damn good to just not do it. I need to man up and kick the shit out of those feelings; sometimes I just don’t know how though. We weather this storm together.

  7. I’m always amazed at the shit you say and just how relevant it is and parallels with my own life struggles at the time. Can’t figure out if it’s bc we are the same age or the life long struggle of depression is soooo fucking real, but when you go on your rants/vents I connect with every single bit of it. So basically…you’re a total badass in my book for being able to speak so candidly about the shit. #OverTheShinyThings

  8. You’re the man. Fix what you feel needs fixed. I’m working on my biggest vice now. It’s not easy. Just take it one day at a time and you can do it. Stay safe!!!

  9. I’m a firm believer in a lot of things being environmental, be it smoking using Cope, jacking off or Banging chicks, one day you’ll find what you need Derek, it probably doesn’t help that you’re a fucking chick magnet.

    no one go to a buffet and only has one thing from it…. Buffet for you being the sea of pussy. Can’t wait to read more stay safe

  10. You make me laugh, then you make me think. I am not always comfortable with the thinking part but I am working on it.

  11. Been a fan for a while and I dig your honesty. Keep up the writing and keep evolving- change is evolution. Thanks

  12. Thank you Derek! I needed to read this today, I’ve been punching myself in the dick too (figuratively speaking). Instant gratification first, followed by the dynamic duo of guilt and shame (for me). I get up put my big girl panties and start over. I’m my own worst enemy

    You are absolutely right, we can change, if we move past instant gratification, entitlement, and reward. I truly believe hard work does pay off in the end! Keep truckin my friend! And thank you!

  13. Thanks for this Derek. As always, I love your honesty and willingness to own up to your shit. I have my own shit to work on, and am constantly beating myself up for not eating good enough or working out comsistently enough (among other faults!). It helps to know you struggle with the self-hate too. Thank you ❤️

  14. Very good reading, it’s been truly enjoyable watching your posts and tub time when I get to, kind of become my shiny object like tits to you, I think all of your fans are proud of your effort and admire your strength , it’s motivational, inspirational, and, admirable how open you are!

  15. That is the most inspiring article that have read and touched me while I’ve been fighting with depression and alcohol

  16. Fuckin A. Speaking as someone who has a pair of shiny things it’s refreshing when guys look past them & can actually hold an intelligent conversation without glancing at them every 10 seconds.

  17. Hey, Derek

    You’ve probably already heard this phrase 1,000 times already – but that was a great post. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression last year. I’ve been struggling with them both for most of my life and finally got some answers recently. It’s true – misery seems so much safer than happiness. Misery is predictable. It’s a safe zone. Happiness is scary, unpredictable. It can disappear in a matter of seconds. Who the hell wants that? I have friends that don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with me and are there to judge every word that comes out of my mouth. I’ve only recently secluded myself from term because I don’t need that bullshit.

    But yeah – people can change. It’s scary as hell ’cause if you fail, you only have yourself to blame.. it’s easier when you can blame things on other people or things. I’ve only recently looked in the mirror and took a real good look at myself. Survivor of HELL, but good grief, I haven’t come out of it looking like a warrior.

    Whether or not you’re taking the time to read this, it’s okay. That woman in the mirror is changing – I’m going to become strong again. I’m changing myself. I’m becoming less afraid to show people the real me. And if they don’t like this fucking amazing lady – then I don’t need them in my life! Same goes for you – Fuck assholes.

    And hey – we’ve all ran after the shiny things. We’ve all hurt people. Don’t beat yourself up too hard 😉


  18. Going through this myself right now. Finding that the process of Changing is hard as fuck but, even harder when what you thought would be your support system (“friends”) fucking collapses on top of you. Alienation is a bitch. This is about bettering ones self though. So you accept not only the path to change you seek in yourself but the change of your environment i.e friends, family, activities. Still learning and pushing.
    Always Strive to be better. Chase the change. Good luck, brotha.

  19. Derek this is a great article brother. It made me laugh while hitting alot of thought provoking points for me. Keep it up. I appreciate all you do and have done. You inspire me daily!!!

  20. Fucking right! Change is hard but like you’ve said and many others, if it was easy than everyone would be doing it!

  21. Thank you for starting this blog. As a Veteran who’s still in the Reserves, it’s refreshing to read your crazy thoughts & to know I’m not completely alone in my crazy thoughts also. Your honesty is super fucking nice to read. I can tell I’m in a rut of sorts, & I’ve found your videos & posts to be a bit of motivation for me. Keep the raw, unedited posts coming. They’re rad. You’re rad.

  22. You are awesome for doing this. One battle at a time, right? That’s my motto at the moment. Stay strong. Take care. K

  23. I normally hate blogs but this was awesome and inspiring in a different kind of way that I’m use to. Thanks for that and keep writing awesome shit.

  24. I love how you keep it real! I’ve been following you for a few years now! I’m recovering from two total knee replacements. I’m hoping to have a great transformation story to follow all this!!!

  25. Wise words from such a young man. Change is so hard but I guess you have to accept you need to get uncomfortable in order to change.

    As for unfaithfulness, having been on both sides of this fleetingly good but ultimately painful vice, I believe it stems from ego and/or self loathing. I did it to feel good so I could forget how shitty I felt about myself.

    I wish you inner strength so you find and keep love. Judging by the way you attack your physical body in the gym, I suspect you will reach this goal too.

    Love and respect

  26. Really great insight. If you want anything bad enough you will achieve it. The harder the battle, the sweeter the reward. Good luck, stay the course and be gentle with yourself when the shiny things win. You’ll learn as much about yourself in those moments as any other.

  27. Man brother this hit so close.you have no idea. On Friday I started a year long probation journey because of my depression and drinking I was a piece of shit but I’ve spent the last year and a half changing my ways. Working hard to become, “happy” I want the family and happiness with my 3 year old son. You’re an amazing man Derek. You ever need the motivation or someone to talk to as well I am always here.

  28. Looking forward to more insight… a fucking awesome start and a bloody good read!!! xC

  29. I can’t believe I’m gonna quote Tony Robbins to you but here goes.. ” Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change” I think people are lazy. I think more are ignorant. But I think the majority of us are in denial and that’s what fucking wrecks us physically, mentally, and emotionally. When we actually wake the hell up and see who it really is staring back at us in the mirror then we change… Because we are disgusted by what we see in the reflection. Making a conscious effort to change is fucking hell but we have to seek constant improvement and we cannot allow improvment in one area to make us complacent in others.

  30. Spot on. Human species are stupid and lazy. But we can change and to do so you have to work for it, and ther it’s fucked up its self. We are lazy, and its painless to lock at the other direction.
    I started with tobacco when I was 12 years old. Now I’m 40, and I can agree that it’s hard as hell to stop. But I feel good doing it so what the hell. Then get the state tax funds. 🙂

    Well written. This page will I continue to follow with pleasure.

  31. DUDE!! I fell like I’m going through the same shit right now. I found a chick that loves the shit outta me, and I dumped her for those umm… shiny things. I had a conversation with someone that really opened my eyes to how unhappy I’m happy to be. The long term is hard as fuck to look at, but I’m slowly working my way toward it. I work out almost everyday now, and I think you had a lot to do with that. So thanks bro. You the man.

  32. This is something that I reallllllly needed to hear(read?) today. Change is fucking hard, but the end result is really worth the struggle. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

  33. Oh how your words resonate & intertwine at interesting junctures in my life since I first “discovered you”.. Robert Frost’s “road less traveled… Has made all the difference” in recent months and I encourage you to read it and perhaps it may strike a chord with you. I wish you viel Erfolg (“good luck”) brother on your journey as much for yourself as I continue to say those words to myself. “Do you” because no one can do you better than you can do yourself (… serious & dirty puns intended)….

  34. This was great!!! Very raw, genuine and honest. Actually positive considering the title and beginning ? We all have our vices, I strive daily to be and do better. Looking forward to reading more!

  35. Dude your rawness and open honesty is one of your biggest qualities! I’ve always appreciated people who are straight shooters, it’s rare these days and it take guts to be honest…so thank you for that. Also thank you for your service!!

    You’re right people can change, it just takes hard work and dedication! I’ve over came a lot of different addictions and became a totally different person because of turning my life over to Jesus Christ, He is the reason I’m not locked up or worse, dead! God is good and He loves you for you!

    Stay strong, keep moving forward and God bless!

  36. It’s so funny, I joined a Fit Body Boot Camp, my thousandth try at getting in shape, and one of the coaches just sent me a note on My Fitness Pal asking why I haven’t logged on and tracked my food in 4 days. I wrote her a long response which included “…I would find another reason as to why I shouldn’t be doing this (the boot camp I just signed up for $$$) and find something else I should be doing instead($$$) and the cycle begins again. I’ve always done just the bare minimum to get by and I really miss out on a lot in life(insert “Happiness in the end… here). I haven’t been able to get passed this.”.
    After I sent it, I clicked over to Facebook and your post about your new blog is the first thing I see/read. It’s exactly the same thing, just our own versions of it.
    Stupid and lazy?… Yes! Impulse, pleasure, instant gratification?…Yes! My lack of control makes me even more miserable…Yes! Definitely STUCK in that cycle that has been my life all these years.
    Haven’t given up hope on myself yet…I was told by another coach that hope isn’t a strategy…lol. There is a lot of hard work ahead of me and I think as soon as I accept that, things will get easier…how ironic life is.
    I really like this Derek. Very raw…and honest. I feel waaaay more free to share here than on FB. I was definitely meant to see this the exact moment I saw it.
    Keep it up…I think your on to something here. <3

  37. Derek,

    Much like reading a good book (currently, meditations) your writings resonate with me. I think that we get in the way of ourselves all the time. Comfort tricks us. Do you ever notice that the shinies that we see may seem new and exciting on the surface, but when you dig to the core it is merely the comforts of the past? The new pair of tits, are still tits. You are familiar with them and know how to work them. Before you know it they are not shiny anymore because you have figured them out and learned them. Yet, if we are truly seeking to be the best version of ourselves we have to start with ourselves. Why? Because at the end of the day we know you can never truly be honest with others because of fear. Fear that they will learn to manipulate us at our weakest points. True honesty, would be to become comfortable with every thought we have, every dark shadow and every shining light. We all have levels of depravity that are not shared with others. The thoughts that go veyond the darkness that we do share with our closest friends. That level of honesty is the building blocks of life. To learn to be that honest with ourseleves. Thoughts?

  38. Pulling yourself out of a fuckin routine sucks. Living like shit thought it was normal until I met my husband. Now it’s like you can do anything you want , why did I feel like I have to live up to whatever everyone thought I should be. Just another wasted loser. It was like WTF I don’t have to live like this? From all the fucked up shit that I deal with now it’s the anxiety and panic that drives me crazy. I love it when people say calm down really don’t you think if I could I would asshole..I micromanage and control everything I can cause life was shitty years ago. Had I known I would have dealt with it then cause this shits crazy.
    I just love seeing people who knew me when I was the burned out loser. I saw a post someone from school posted asking if anyone knew what happened to me..lots of fucked up comments. It took me until I was about 26 to turn my shit around. That shiny shit that keeps fucking with life rusts after a while. I hear the backhanded compliments and am like do you people think I am stupid. I worked my ass off to put myself and my husband through school to make a better life. Everyone always has something to say about everything, your fat, house is too small you drive a piece of shit , I dont care it’s my shit I own it all. If that’s what you see when you look at me than you don’t know me. You gotta say fuck these people, if your not adding anything to my life fuck off. Life is too short for distractions or things that don’t matter. What is your soul like, I have to do things to keep my soul filled . If I don’t than I spiral out feel empty and hopeless. If I didn’t have my daughter and husband I would have just continued to live up to what everyone thought I should be nothing.. Get a goal get real people and fuck everyone else. Everyone needs to belong and feel loved without it we just wither away and die, I know because some days the fucked up shit comes back and I struggle to survive to keep from beating myself up or reliving a moment over and over. Those are the days I want to hurt myself, but then my husband or my kid will tell me they love me, and it doesn’t make it ok but I can push that feeling back for a while. This burned out loser is a wife, mother and nurse, so fuck everyone who told me I was nothing and never would be.
    PS: They can kiss my fat ass

  39. Awe Love, I do have a few years on you ,however, those days of punching myself in my girly parts have passed for the most part. You have shared your story with us so let me share mine with you.
    When I was a small lass my Da would take me aside a give me what he calls pearls of wisdom. My Da is now 103 years old. Yes, I said 103 years old he still will call me up in the middle of the night to put a thought in my head or just to tell me he loves me. That time difference between Dublin and Dallas – Fort Worth is a humdinger so I will get calls a 0000 and the first thing my Da says is daughter you’re sleeping? No fuck Da yes I was sleeping and he begins to speak the thought he just had to tell me an ocean away. He has done this since I was 7 and I am not 35 and he still does it and I hope he never stops.
    So at the tender age of 10,my Da take me aside and says this to me: “Daughter never ever let a fucking soul tell you how to live your life if they want to be in the beauty that your life is fine. But if they want to change you into something so it fits their idea of what you should be, fuck them.” He went on to say that my outer beauty would be like a moth to a flame but the true beauty is what lies within the soul, lived that all my life. I encourage you to find the path that you need to live and step out. Sometimes it will be scary as fuck but the beauty that lies just other side and on that path will be breathtaking, embrace that and your life will be sweeter than you and ever image. Yes, you will have days that you wonder when the sour will turn into the sweet but when those days come and they will come, it will be even sweeter. There are days when what the accident did to my body the pain is fresh and sometimes that pain can bring me to fucking knees but I remember that I am blessed in so many ways and I get up push through the pain and do it anyway. The story I am about to tell you not many know and that is for a reason that is very private but I thought Since you have shared so of you with us maybe I can share some of what make me , me.
    A few years ago I was in a horrible car accident. A tractor trailer ran a red light and struck my car on the driver side pushing it across 4 lanes of traffic. I had several bits of luck that day. 1- I normally would travel with the top down on my car. This morning I had the top up 2- I was on my way to work and I normally start rolling down the road a 0300 to be in my office at 0400. So when my car was pushed across those 4 lanes of traffic there was no traffic. 3- My guys were no more than 5 minutes behind me. Logan was an Army trauma surgeon and Nick was a medic in the Navy. They took control of the situation and got me all the help I needed. Those dudes took care of me. Live less than 10 from a trauma center. Coded several times on my way to the hospital and the Doctors cannot explain how I made through the accident not to mention that I lived through the damage that had occurred. I lost 40% of the blood volume in my body and still my body and spirit refused to die. I suffered a lot of internal damage. Those took a long time to heal and you would think that the damage to my legs would be the least of my worries but it was not for me. I am a runner have done that all my life. Next to playing my piano or guitar it is an integral part of my life. It is how I clear the noise of the day. It is one of the ways I center myself and work through issues so it is fucking important to me. But I was lucky because the damage was done in such a way to my legs that they could be replaced with titanium and plastic. I do have some limitation but they work well. Over a few months, I learn how to walk then I wanted to run. The Doctors kept telling me no. No running. I kept saying I am fucking running. I will run on grass and not on concrete but I am still going to fucking run. Yes, I am a hard head Irish women. I have always pushed myself just a little harder just a little further and it works for me so every other morning you will find me running on a path that my posse built for me. Other mornings you will find lifting weight and strengthen my legs even more and working on my core keeping it all tone and strong. That titanium and plastic are a hella lot stronger that the bone that surrounds it so strengthening the muscle around it is key for me. Yes, I have a few scars, we all have scars, some you can see but some that are so deep the human eye cannot see. Those take the longest to heal but those scars mean I am alive and living the life I want to live on my terms. I will leave you with this. Every morning I wake before the sun. I greet that sun with a cup of coffee and the gratitude for another day’s adventures. Living a life of no regrets has always been my way and I will continue to live that way. At night when the sun is dipping low and the moon is rising I raise my glass of wine to the Divine in thanks for that day and a hope for another. Keep rocking your life love keep working that body that the Divine has given to you and it will show you so much beauty. As always much love to you, yours and of course ROCK ON!
    ~Deborah ~

  40. Fuck yeah man this hit home for me. I’ve been lost in the need for “shining things” for awhile now. Keep moving man that’s all we can do. Good shit

  41. I absolutely love your videos and now your new blog. For one thank you for your service and dedication for us all. Two, you are a very determined, stubborn, awesome man! I love the bluntness about everything you say and do. I wish daily more people would just say what they think and feel and make life easier. I look forward to seeing more of your thoughts, ideas, vents and rants and of course just you, you shiny man lmfao keep doing you

  42. Pretty fucking awesome. Got into enough while taking a poo my legs are asleep. I find myself always looking for other pink with the stink. Then say fuck if I do I’m wrong. Or am I. Umm. Especially since my ex-wife asked to suck a dick or 6 and my other chicks cheated also. Felt I never fully said fuck it. How many chicks can I get to eat my ass?. Life I guess. One reason Y I felt I stoped lifting. Chicks looked I waved then they kicked buttholes. Then ur GF/wife finds out then a remote is slated in ur head at 3am etc. Ur a cool ass dude. I could BS with u for a bit. Peace..

  43. It did resonate. This is what I needed to read tonight. Keep up with the fuckery, it helps us crazy chick’s too ?.

  44. This was definitely worth the time it took me to read this haha , very motivational I fight with myself mentally everyday about going for that run or going to the gym and I always make myself think about the whole picture, what I really want in the end. I have an SO contract and I know that is my end goal so I can see now I have to stop punching myself in the dick and push harder run the extra miles and do the extra reps because eventually it will help me reach my end goal. I look forward to reading another one

  45. Interesting words Derek, I myself am a comfort eater. I’ve only come to realise what makes me comfort eat and now I’m going to start working on reversing that by taking one small step everyday that’s Allee can do on our journey of change. As long as you keep trying you haven’t failed.

  46. Good stuff and so true. I quit dipping 9months ago after 22yrs of that shit. Felt the same way. Hard to identify who I was without a plug. But I saw my Dad dying from cancer infront of me and finally had to stop. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I can’t do half of the shit I see you do, so if I can quit, you can too. One day at a time. Keep writing, Jon..

  47. I fucking hate that Im obese. I fucking hate that I dont excersise. Im depressed and have started having seriously bad thoughts. Im gonna end all that. Excersise, eat well, get well. #sickofthebad #gethealthy

  48. Hey Derek! I really enjoy your posts. The exercise posts are particularly inspiring. ( not just because your shorts are, ahem… Hot…. ). But I digress… We all need that bit of crazy- it truly does keep us sane. But that chewing tobacco thing is some scary shit, dude. I can tell you as a dental student, oral, esophageal, and stomach cancer are very disfiguring, and have very high metastatic rates. Quit for yourself. You can tell me to fuck off if you want, but believe me, I care. ❤️ If you want help with quitting, send me a message- I’ll make time for you… ❤️Love and badassery, Laura ?????

  49. Derek,
    You are an inspiration to so many people, and that’s not the demon whiskey I’m drinking, you are awesome! You are a beast in the gym, I am 47 yoa and I’ve been doing CrossFit for 10 months and I’m addicted, I’m not any where close to being good at it , but it is great, I’ve got my two daughters working out with me and it has changed how I see things, I’ve pushed myself harder in the last 10 months then I ever have! Thank you for your inspiration and if you ever make it to western Pennsylvania the beer is on me! Or whiskey!

  50. you’re my hero. I know your life isnt pretty and rainbows but fuck it. I listen to your album get pumped up and put the belief back in myself. Glad your doing the blog. Keep, keeping it real. and thank you

  51. “misery is like a warm blanket” yeah I couldn’t agree more. I’m in a place were I once thought would be a nightmare of a life, but I feel no motivation to change. The past year has been a shit storm. I had a bit of a breakdown then I was thrown in jail. After the freak out/ night in jail, I thought it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist, but now I’m so strung out on all these meds I’m in this mental trap. It’s ridiculous. I’m trapped between a potential freak out and a hard place. I’m at the point where I realize I have a dependency and I just need to stop, but every day I just wake up and take more pills. I know I can live without these pills. I have for 29+ years, but people around me keep encouraging me to take them, not knowing how addicted I really am. So for me the answers is pills; to numb myself out, and slow down the reaction time of my true emotions so my friends and family members can deal.

  52. Thank you Derek. Thank you for being real, honest, vulnerable and flawed. I appreciate reading that someone who inspires me is also an imperfect, hot mess just like me! 🙂 I’m looking forward to your next post.
    Keep doing you!

  53. Good read brother , not sure if you’ll actually see this but was wondering how you felt about seeking professional help after you got back from Iraq. I just got back from Afghanistan little over a year ago. It was a total bullshit deployment as a 12B. We should have had nerf guns with that ROE. Mostly got stuck as a fobit minus a few trail runs. Any way the wife has given me an ultimatum to go seek help for my anger and depression or she is leaving. I don’t see anything wrong with myself besides I hate the world and our government is letting us down. I lost my driver in November to suicide and she feels like I won’t deal with that either. Anyway just curious what it took for you to go talk to some one and did it really help. I know you saw way more action than me and you were left physically damaged. You do inspire my man. I’m glad i stumbled onto your Instagram account. There is no excuse not to get off my ass and get ripped like I was overseas.

  54. People can change. No doubt about it. Working in the ER you usually see every shit storm that people call everyday life and you just shrug it off because hey that is their normal who the hell am I to judge it. Most timea people just remain the way they are because it is comfortable and they get by like that. Others try to get their shit together the hard way. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. What i have come to find is it is all in how bad you want something.
    If you want everyday mediocre then that’s what you’ll strive for. If you want to reach way out there goals you will find a way….it may be a twisted what the hell did i ever do to deserve this shit road but you get there.

    As far as chewing…nasty ass shit. Tongue/mouth/lip cancer is horrible. Take time to chew and taste your food…do you like the chewing sensation or knowing what hot sauce/chicken/ice cream tastes like????
    If so stop chewing tobacco asap.

  55. Ha!! Your “shiny things” are like my “squirrel” moments and chasing nuts, lol. Its fun, exciting, rebellious. Its kept me on edge and has been one of MY go-to excuses for not staying my fuckin course. My head has been a cloudy shit storm since I got out almost 6yrs ago. Eventually, it gets to a point you side step so often that your original path can become lost in all the dirt, weeds and bullshit time has covered it with.
    I’ve always believed you create your own happiness, but I have never challenged myself to actually start living by that idea. Thought about it, maybe took a couple steps and then just allowed myself to get distracted by nuts and get back to squirrel mode. As you mentioned change IS challenging. The end result isnt necessarily the challenge, its the process of creating and becoming that change. The self doubt, fear, anxiety, whatever the hell it is… Fuck that shit. Frankly, I’ve been fuckin tired of misery being my compamy.
    So, (female version…Here goes…) time to learn to “pet my kitty”. Ha!! Fuck yes! #MorePetting
    Great start Derek! I look forward to the next one!!????

  56. In life of course we want the shiny things but after a while the shine fades and your left with nothing. Remember to dig deeper within yourself your better than those shinny things you deserve more! Everytime you start to head into the shiny things direction remember where it has lead you everytime! Happiness doesn’t come with things it’s something that you find within yourself. Loving yourself is the number one way to happiness!! I mean what’s not to love your freaking awesome!!!!!! Stay strong stay the course and most importantly stay true to yourself!! No one knows you like you do…

  57. Awesome blog, can’t wait for moreeee! Oh and swinging can be an option with the right pair of shiny homely tits…#morestrokin’

  58. Love your honesty. I know a lot of people can relate to you. And I think that when you are ready to settle down, you will make a great hubby and father! You deserve to be happy and you will be a kickass dad????. Carry on

  59. My long lost soul brother…my male spirit animal. I am lucky in love with my husband, but I am restless and fickle in all other parts of my life. Thank you for what you have said, it makes me feel less alone. Yes, I know we all have “issues”, but no one else has put them into words that I myself would use. Keep on, keepin’ on. This is the only life we get, so enjoy the small distractions and eliminate the soul crushing ones.

  60. I resonate with this, brother. Too many times we find ourselves complacent, and instead of changing we say, oh well, that’s life. We’re never too old to chart our own destiny, to Forge our own path. I’m damn proud of you. As for the chew, I’ve been there. Make it 3 days without it. Just 3 days. That’s how long it takes for the physical dependency to wear off. After that, it’s all mental, and we are stronger than some inanimate plant. Thanks for inspiring me daily, and for the laughs as well. You’re good people.

  61. Hi Derek!!! First many congrats on the new web site!!! Woohoo!!! ? Beautiful, authentic words, you make me rethink a lot of things and your words/humor help me go trough the pain I live with everyday. Don’t ever be afraid to be yourself because you’re awesome!!! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us!!! ?❤

  62. Brother, I believe this speaks with us all. Ps shiny things are hard to resist, my wife uses hers for evil against me

  63. I like this kind of story, life as it is, and it sounds like you have a great fucking story to tell! Totally feel you on the shiny things!!! Haha!! #someliketitssomelikedicks

  64. We all want to see you live a long and healthy life and would be happy to see you quit the chew. Except maybe those that chew themselves and use you as an excuse to why they do. Either way, wish you the best in slaying your vices buddy. We all got em…

  65. Just like you said…shiny shit makes us happy, for just a few moments….usually. It’s the rest of the normal, everyday life that fucks with us and makes us think something is always greener on the other side. I swore I’d never get married (again). Never wanted to be a parent (I have two kids), and life just sucks at times. My vices are cigarettes and alcohol. And now, the times when I can get rid of my kids for a couple hours to get to the gym and make myself so fucking sore two days later that I have to practically army crawl out of a toddler bed to sneak out when they fall asleep….it’s all a part of the fucked up process that happens to us when we make our decisions.

    Cheers to you…for working hard, preserving and keeping it real. I hope you find the shiny that makes you happy and allows you to keep your dick in check and not follow the other shiny shit that may catch your eye. It’s hard. And if anyone says otherwise, they’re an idiot.

  66. Preach! I fucking love the rawness and realness of these words. We keep doing things that make us miserable …even though they have ALWAYS ended in misery. Because doing something different to change the outcome is scary AF. Because we just might prove the unspoken hypothesis that it is something WE do to ourselves and therefore cannot externalise blame. Good luck with chasing your dreams and scaring the fuck out of yourself along the way, honey!

  67. Derek,
    Thank you for giving me something to read on the John. You’re doing great thingson the daily.
    I think the whole idea of if I change I will be happier in the end is kind of Bologna. Some of the happiest people in the world are the people that live in third world countries and have nothing. It’s all about perception. If you perceive yourself to be happy then that’s all that matters. Sure, you can make positive changes in your life like choose to stop being a douche or stop overeating but is that happiness? I don’t think so. Happiness is internal. We have to take a look at ouselves and dig through the dark, scary parts of your mind and then fix whatever it is that’s causing you to be unbalanced. It sucks and it’s hard but necessary “in the end”.
    Thank you for your honesty in everything that you do. You’re a superstar in my book, Derek. Drive on.

  68. Great blog!! Keep up the great work , you are an inspiration. Most days it feels like I am at the FAL and I don’t know if I can make it to the objective, my moto is , pick up that rifle and keep pushing through and re-org. Shit! I love those shiny things too.

  69. 7:12am

    While reading your new blog I cant help but question a few things. And some of it, im sure in random order. Are you single by choice at this point in your life? To work on your vices, find your direction and such? If you could would you still be active, would you be a lifer?

    I feel like some of us find comfort in misery cause its what we know. When life hands you so many dick punches you learn to accept that and not fear it. Unlike happiness which becomes uncommon, almost a foreign concept and makes you uneasy.

  70. I appreciate your words of wisdom Mr. Weida. I like your straight forward no bullshit approach to this life. Thank you for all you have givin to this country of ours.

  71. Love the blog. Honesty and bluntness are good. We always get so caught up in sugarcoating things and making it so it doesn’t offend that we lose the actual power point we are trying to make. I think it’s fucking awesome that you’re doing this Derek! So true what you’re saying to. We all have our shiny things and we keep stopping to fuck with instead of focusing on the angle. It’s like we love misery. Keep your head up keep your eyes up and keep moving forward. Great advice.

  72. I’m a 46 yr old Army vet who also lost my left leg above the knee. I’ve been following Derek for a yr now and love the brutal honesty he shows. I’ve been on my own journey over the last couple yrs. committing myself to a healthy lifestyle and running obstacle course races, doing crossfit and anything else that challenges my body and mind. It’s awesome to read his posts and see some of the badass things he’s able to do. It gives me confidence and allows me to laugh at myself cause I get it, what he goes through. Keep it up, looking forward to reading more of this blog!

  73. yeah… this gets easier the, dare i say, older you get? No its more about “change of mission” where you determine what your next goal is. i did this when i was 28-29 as well while at Ft Benning. i said, enough chasing shiny things. there fun, i still like em, buuuttttt…. i wanted a family as well and kids. ill be damned if i didn’t go on eHarmony and find someone who fit exactly what i was looking for. a literal shopping experience. we emailed, then talked via phone then met in person. i took a risk kissed the chick and now we’re 7 years later with our 4th kid on the way.

    we almost got divorced at least 4-9 times, most in the first year, but we endured. at first it was me saying “no, sit your ass down until we figure out why we’re bitching and fighting” she did. later she did it to me when the pressure as a provider in a fucked economy started to apply pressure. bottom line… if your next mission is to get a real fucking life?!!! you’ll make it happen.

    Marriage is great! its happiness and loving and you’ll literally feel more than i ever thought i could, ever after deployment, but its just like getting in shape… takes work and you have to constantly work at it. otherwise it’ll die and you’ll see divorce much like a lot of our brothers/sisters in arms did…

    my two sense… (yep, i knows its cents, but WTF… I’m talking with Weida.)

  74. Glad to see the blog. Not trying to be all up on your jock, but you do inspire people. Keep up the workouts (if a legless fucker like you can get his ass to the gym, so can I), keep up the humor, and keep keeping it real. Thanks for all you do.

  75. Bro, this post is brilliant. I have been feeling this way for a while. And my girl lately told me that “no one changes”, to which I replied, WTF would I keep qualities that make me look and act like a tool. I agree, change is challenging but damn the journey is so worthwhile. Keep up the grind!

  76. Hi, from South Africa. Reading your blog is an eye opener. Started following you on facebook a while ago and enjoy your posts. Saying it as it is and the raw emotions that you go through….wow. What you experienced as a soldier….I just can’t imagine that. However, what I do see is that you’re a survivor, a fighter. Seriously, you’re awesome.

    Take care. And thanks for sharing.


  77. Mom of 2 Vets. Lost one to PTSD in 2013. Started watching you live just to connect. Really enjoying it. I buddy check with a few vets and often I don’t know things they may experience or ups and downs they have. Watching you share helps me to understand a bigger picture. You make this Mom laugh, cry, cringe, look away etc. LOL. Tks for sharing when you don’t have to. And be true to yourself. Oh and I really needed to hear that ppl can change we really are just lazy. Peace.

  78. Derek, I hope you read this. You motivate me just about every day. One thing on my bucket list is to meet you one day, and hopefully get to talk to you. I just want to let you know that you really are awesome and a huge role model in my life. Every time I’m in the gym and I think I can’t, I just think, “what would Derek do?”. (Oh and that means to max out till you pass out). I really need you to post your workout playlist if you haven’t already. (If you have can you just like tell me where it’s at) Thank you for everything, WOO!!

  79. Fucking can’t stand stoopid! That’s my issue and always angry since I can remember rembering anything. Like that makes sense. Got dx with PTSD anxiety disorder and top that shit off ADD….. but trying to change like HELL for my kids sake, the wife and my health. Lifting was always my stress relief well and just snapping and getting into random ass fights when I saw ppl getting picked on. Talk about a ticking time bomb. But watching you and seeing all the positive and laughter and progress you make pus a new light on the world. Working 20 years in EMS as a medic and 12 years fireighter and 7 triple cert as medic cop and FF seems to thrown me down a dark path. But those are “crutches” ha pardon the pun. It’s just an excuse for me to be lazy and not change like I know damn good and we’ll like I need to. Keep on with it brother you are a hell of a positive role model for me and others out there! Thank you for all you do and have done and will do

  80. When I was getting to know my partner, I could always tell what he was hating on himself about. He is an honest guy, but not immune to some avoidance and it is the things that he tried to slip past me that say a lot about how deep down he sometimes sees himself. I’m not dumb . . . the first thing I figured out was that the picture he had sent me (set up by friends) was old. The first thing I called him on was the chew . . . my old man chewed on an off for the past thirty years, so he didn’t have a chance with that one. Wearing a t-shirt in the hot tub even though we’d been all over each other. When I had to tell him to stop trimming his back hair “for me” since it just made him prickly. Eventually having to drag out of him the circumstances surrounding his military service. Leaving promising work to join up because it was what he felt like he should be doing, taking on a challenge only to have to fight an administration change to stay in and do his job over a silly injury. Being discharged. Getting him to tell me why he decided to become a cop. Finding out that he had an ex-wife . . . actually, not quite an ex. They were still married when we started dating, were still married when we fell in love. I found out because he left divorce court correspondence mixed up with the pizza and grocery coupons in his junk drawer. How long it took him after that to admit they got met, married, and he filed the same year. How even years later he doesn’t want to talk about the two trips to Vegas he didn’t tell me about the first year we were together. How it felt to have to let me loan him money to pay off the end of his marriage settlement so we could move out of state together. How it felt that I ended up paying the bills because he was a bit overconfident that being honorable and experienced plus a damn good shot was enough to land a job in an America with a huge cop shortage. When missed out on one opportunity because he had convinced himself that it was okay that he ran long-distances like a crippled old man now and another because he was too honest. When he didn’t tell me that he’d given up and taken a job in the private sector, or when he didn’t tell me he’d been fired from that one for being too good at someone else’s job.

    The night that I figured out that he chewed tobacco (Welfare Bear at the time, but he has been known to dip Cope too) he told me that he wanted to quit, that he was going to quit. Two years later a family member of mine died of tobacco-related cancer and he didn’t go to the funeral. Three years later my Dad had a two month long cancer scare and now gets checked twice a year, because with that kind of shit it is always cancer, it just depends on whether they catch it one side or another of a few extra mutant cells. He has had friends die. He has been through heavy work stress, stressful unemployment, extended paid leave, and employer assisted cessation programs. He has quit before. But here we are, 5 years later and there is still a spitter on my end table and in the side door pockets of both our cars.

    That is how it goes . . . . he has to decide that now is the time. That is how it is with him, that is how it was with working out. When you push him, he fights you. When you let him be him, it sinks in and one day he decides that maybe he is worth it. He runs at least twice a week now and is about to the point where he doesn’t limp and lifts everyday. He drinks less and sleeps more and is a nicer person to be around. One day he’ll do it and that year we will have a Christmas where he isn’t cranky, trying to hide his fat lip from our families and we will be able to forget about it for a lot of years, if we are lucky. But, it’s up to him. Loving me won’t do it, he has to decide to love himself . . . as cheesy as that sounds. Everybody has something. Until it is a problem, sometimes drinking a little too much, cursing at all the wrong times and liking titties is what makes someone human. After all, titties are pretty fucking amazing.

  81. I started chewing when I was 17, it’s only been three years but I remember when I started it would only be a few months and then I’ll stop, to this day I struggle to try quit and gay fucking California decided I wasn’t man enough cause I’m not 21 yet!! Oh well though it makes me quit, but not a day goes by I don’t think of the sweet luxury of a fat horse shoe ozzing it’s sweet juices in my mouth and take it when I’m offered, one day I hope to quit for real though. Not cause California deemed me unworthy those bastards

  82. I punch myself in the dick because I’m accustomed to the pain. I love the pain, honestly I’m afraid of what I would feel without it. I think that’s why we continue down the path of distruction, we know nothing else. Nothing else matters.

    H-Minus Brother

  83. I blogged about this myself a while back.
    One of the things I found was that I was scared. Scared that if I succeeded it would be taken away somehow. That I felt that I had been kicked so many times once I got happy that I was scared to be happy or succeed.

    The other thing I figured for myself is that I felt I didn’t deserve it. That I wasn’t good enough. I survived cancer but I wasn’t good enough to be allowed to stay in the Marines.

    I still don’t have it fixed. I still don’t have all my shit together but to take a phrase from my rucking. DFQ

  84. Until tonight I didn’t know who you were, saw this video on fb about the 3ft circle and was immediately drawn in. As I liked your page and began to read more became more and more intrigued and delighted in the openness and honesty that you put forth!
    This big beautiful twisted fucking world we live can be a dream and the scariest place we know. I think a lot of times we end up punching ourselves in the dicks sabotaging things before life or others can do it for us, at least this is what usually holds true for me. I find that when all of hell is about to open and swallow me up I make sure I slit my own throat before the the Bastard can have a taste of me! No one is taking me down but me call it a competitive Gene or a deeply rooted origin from within my natural being. I believe we can all change but it is hard fucking work to change a lifetime of mechanisms that you have put into place and called it by your name! The easy road is to stay on that path which is fine as long as you are happy! Happiness is the key to success and success is the key to love and love is life!! Life is everything so do what makes you truly happy fuck what people think you should do or how you should be. We all need to listen to what is inside ourselves love ourselves find our strength and be Happy and stop punching our dicks unless that is our kink and we enjoy it that kind of pain for pleasure!! Xo

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